alhamdulillah

halaqah session resumed last sunday. alhamdulliah. was i very glad and thankful to Allah for placing me there, among the other sisters. in search of solitude with Allah. and to think that Allah has chosen me to be there, i am deeply humbled by the mere thought of it.

tonight is the start of our new fardhu ain session. again, i can only say Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah. i can't believe i am this lucky. i can't believe Allah has given me this opportunity to better myself. gratification seems so underrated at this point.

i believe in Allah's plan for us. i always remember this saying "GIVE YOURSELF A REST FROM MANAGING, LET ALLAH DO IT FOR YOU". it really puts my life and the way i regard things into perspective. everything happens for a reason, i am certain of that. we just have to open our eyes and see Allah's abundance love for us. that Allah is All-Knowing and only He knows what is best for us. what i think is best for me might not be for Allah. what i tink is bad for me may prove to be otherwise afterall. amazing it is.

acceptance is sometimes hard. with the glooming economy, so our lifestyle will have to take a blow a lil bit. Alhamdulillah. of course i am afraid, who will not be. hubby has informed me much earlier, as early as last year that his company is not giving any increment and bonuses for 2008 and 2009. and hubby just joined this company 7 months ago. Alhamdulillah. at least he still has a job. i still have my job. i still got my bonus last dec and i still will receive our march bonus payout this month. InsyaAllah, the extras will come in handy, if not sufficient. Alhamdulillah. just when we thought it's gonna be downhill from there on.........obviously Allah had other plans for us. for what it is worth, surprisingly i am loving what i do - my job that is. this was not the case before, when hubby was in SCDF. before, i always took for granted that he would always be around. comes march, jul, dec he would get his bonuses - all well ended well. our time together was not put to good use, of no profound benefit for both of us. of course, love was there. but the intensity, lacking.

it has been 7 months into his new job in bintan. and our relationship is getting better. of course there are flaws and then there are my irrational thoughts and tempers to be dealt with. but truly, Allah has given both of us much mercy.

on the job front again, i love my job more and more. i plan my leave more carefully now. before, suka hati nak masok lambat, suka hati nak amek leave....usually by july i'm leave dry. yet, i am able to fulfil my obligation in a bright corner of the warehouse. before it used to be a small cubicle we called a mini storeroom. syukur alhamdulillah. people in the office know and they respect that. then last year, the management dropped the bombshell. we are moving out by end of this month to tuas. new place, new environment. right from the beginning during one of those meeting when we dicussed of all the things we might need in the new office, i have requested for a bidet spray in the toilet and a small, just a small area for me to perform my prayer. my boss acknowledged that and he said would work something out for me. Alhamdulillah. i am grateful that given my seniority in this dept (11 years), i do not hold back on my concerns, suggestions when it comes to what i have to do as a muslim. why should i? i need to pray just like any others who need to go to have lunch. i need to cleanse myself just like any others in the office who need to go to the loo in that manner, i can say i'm not putting demands.

i did mention once to my boss - he used to be my colleague (we joined the same year) till he was promoted to his current position about a year ago so he is fully aware and observant of the changes i went through these past 11 years - from unhijabbed to hijabbed and all the changes that followed through the years.

i told him "if my prayer area is denied, no worries...i can find somewhere suitable. if my 10 minute prayer time is denied, well you won't see me here anymore. so if you don't want me in this company any longer, you know what to do ah" i told him tongue-in-cheek. but i convinced myself that's what it's gonna be. que-sera-sera. He is a nice enough man, he still wants me in. Alhamdulillah.

sometimes i think that things work out for me perfectly..too perfect that i begin to worry. worry that i will be complacent, that Allah is drifting further away from me. that he can't bother much with me ;(( that thought sends shiver down my spine. i need you Ya Allah. i need your attention. i am craving for You. gimme more. You know me best. You know what works for me and whats not. i know for certain You will not let me suffer more than i could bear. still i can't help but wonder. apart from taking away my ability to taste motherhood once more and my incomprehensible relationship with mak, is there something else i should be missing? i get your cue, work my motherhood skills on my 2 children first before i can proclaim another. take care of a mother's heart before i let a child into my own. only You know best i am working hard on these both. as long as You are by my side, i am not afraid to stand alone.

yet, i know there is something else i should be crying for. but what is it Ya Allah?

i look around me and i see many familiar faces. faces in despair, in sadness, in desperation. and i am envy of them. i listen to their problems, i hear their hearts breaking but those are not my problems to bear, those are not my heart breaking. i envy that You love them more than You love me Ya Allah. forgive me for thinking this way. but above all that, i am certain of Your Love but it's just me a human...i don't feel enough, enough of You. Astaghfirullah hal adzhim.