scary stormy sunday

"tu bukan hujan, tu dah macam taufan bagi aku". that was what my colleague said this morning on our way to the office. Ya Allah, Kau lebih tahu akan hikmah di sebalik hujan yang mengganas semalam.

to me, when i was caught in the heavy downpour and furious thunder and lightning yesterday only one thought came to my mind, hmm no, make it two thoughts. first was Istighfar, Istighfar, Istighfar. second was i supplicated to Him to keep my children who were sleeping soundly in the backseat, safe and also keep me alert so that i would ride the 3 of us home, safe and sound. The journey home from Tanah Merah Ferry Terminal took an hour or so compared to the usual less than 40minutes. the visibility on the road was so bad that few of us drivers had to turn the hazard lights on while driving. Alhamdulillah, biar lambat asal selamat, hub reminded me. Ya Allah, the ride was very challenging but Alhamdulillah You are always with me thoughout. Syukran Ilahi.

i felt a little bad though - as i was driving through a slip road into KJE, i switched lane to the right. then, few metres away in the right lane was a massive pool of water - i had no chance to slow down further (i was already at 50km) and drove straight through the puddle. the car on my left received a huge shower - thanks to me. i remembered holding my breath, gritted my teeth and then slowly smiled at the irony of it all. i've always wanted to drive through massive pool of water and hear the car goes vvvrrrrr.........macam syiok gitu. usually when that happened, i was the passenger. yesterday was just my ultimate moment lah. *giggles*. to the driver of that blue car on the left lane, if you're reading this...yes, aku lah orangnya!!! please pardon me, i'm a pathetic being who can't afford me a ticket to escape theme park so me have to resort to cheap thrills like that lah.

and oh, i forgot to mention an incident on Indera Bupala on our way home from bintan. half an hour into the sail home, engines died. before the engines died, the whole boat was shaking violently for a good 10seconds. i felt like the propeller had hit something hard and that something got stuck in the system or something to that effect lah. well, i work in a boating industry thus i know bit much about hulls. the captain's voice came into the announcement system not long after the engines died. true enough, he mentioned something about interference to "propulsion system" or "propeller system" and that they were working to flush out that whatever thingy from the system and move on. from then on, we were stranded in the middle nowhere on indonesian water waiting for the engines to rev up again. and so the engines did but only 1 engine managed to rev up. and Indera Bupala continued it's journey on a crutch.......slow but at least still moving.

by then i've already imagined the worst and working up a contingency plan at the back of my mind. should the boat sink, now it is a possibility in this situation - especially knowing Indera Bupala's age and the fact that she was just released from damen shipyard's dock 2 weeks ago.indera bupala is an ageing hull i should say. i should know better, i supplied her with our paints.

my paranoid thought making assessments :

1) life jacket under my seat - affirmative

2) life jackets for children near the exit - affirmative

3) call hub or text him - whichever is faster that we're stranded and get him to get help from their local maritime office. we were already exchanging texts when the engine 1st died.

4) what should i tell my kids? - put on your life jackets and jump into the water and swam away from the boat. ibu will jump after you. don't worry kids, imagine we're going snorkelling. yes, snorkelling. this should help them from being terrified.

5) help the rest. passengers in front of me had a young child with them. i could offer my help to the baby and the rest once i've settled my kids and put on my life jacket.

of course obviously i was being paranoid. i looked around me and the rest were mostly asleep and they thought nothing of it. everything was normal. the catamaran stalled another couple of times after the 1st and on the 3rd try, she managed to get her 2nd engine back running and it was smooth sailing after that. Alhamdulillah. heheee, i need to add..i felt happy cos in facing and anticipating a terrrible situation yet, i could think calmly, keep my cool and strategise. i was in control of myself. but still, itu dugaan kecik ajer...anak jer tu. May Allah continue to give me strength. Ameen.

and i love the rain. Thank you Allah.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Monday, March 09, 2009

alhamdulillah

halaqah session resumed last sunday. alhamdulliah. was i very glad and thankful to Allah for placing me there, among the other sisters. in search of solitude with Allah. and to think that Allah has chosen me to be there, i am deeply humbled by the mere thought of it.

tonight is the start of our new fardhu ain session. again, i can only say Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah. i can't believe i am this lucky. i can't believe Allah has given me this opportunity to better myself. gratification seems so underrated at this point.

i believe in Allah's plan for us. i always remember this saying "GIVE YOURSELF A REST FROM MANAGING, LET ALLAH DO IT FOR YOU". it really puts my life and the way i regard things into perspective. everything happens for a reason, i am certain of that. we just have to open our eyes and see Allah's abundance love for us. that Allah is All-Knowing and only He knows what is best for us. what i think is best for me might not be for Allah. what i tink is bad for me may prove to be otherwise afterall. amazing it is.

acceptance is sometimes hard. with the glooming economy, so our lifestyle will have to take a blow a lil bit. Alhamdulillah. of course i am afraid, who will not be. hubby has informed me much earlier, as early as last year that his company is not giving any increment and bonuses for 2008 and 2009. and hubby just joined this company 7 months ago. Alhamdulillah. at least he still has a job. i still have my job. i still got my bonus last dec and i still will receive our march bonus payout this month. InsyaAllah, the extras will come in handy, if not sufficient. Alhamdulillah. just when we thought it's gonna be downhill from there on.........obviously Allah had other plans for us. for what it is worth, surprisingly i am loving what i do - my job that is. this was not the case before, when hubby was in SCDF. before, i always took for granted that he would always be around. comes march, jul, dec he would get his bonuses - all well ended well. our time together was not put to good use, of no profound benefit for both of us. of course, love was there. but the intensity, lacking.

it has been 7 months into his new job in bintan. and our relationship is getting better. of course there are flaws and then there are my irrational thoughts and tempers to be dealt with. but truly, Allah has given both of us much mercy.

on the job front again, i love my job more and more. i plan my leave more carefully now. before, suka hati nak masok lambat, suka hati nak amek leave....usually by july i'm leave dry. yet, i am able to fulfil my obligation in a bright corner of the warehouse. before it used to be a small cubicle we called a mini storeroom. syukur alhamdulillah. people in the office know and they respect that. then last year, the management dropped the bombshell. we are moving out by end of this month to tuas. new place, new environment. right from the beginning during one of those meeting when we dicussed of all the things we might need in the new office, i have requested for a bidet spray in the toilet and a small, just a small area for me to perform my prayer. my boss acknowledged that and he said would work something out for me. Alhamdulillah. i am grateful that given my seniority in this dept (11 years), i do not hold back on my concerns, suggestions when it comes to what i have to do as a muslim. why should i? i need to pray just like any others who need to go to have lunch. i need to cleanse myself just like any others in the office who need to go to the loo in that manner, i can say i'm not putting demands.

i did mention once to my boss - he used to be my colleague (we joined the same year) till he was promoted to his current position about a year ago so he is fully aware and observant of the changes i went through these past 11 years - from unhijabbed to hijabbed and all the changes that followed through the years.

i told him "if my prayer area is denied, no worries...i can find somewhere suitable. if my 10 minute prayer time is denied, well you won't see me here anymore. so if you don't want me in this company any longer, you know what to do ah" i told him tongue-in-cheek. but i convinced myself that's what it's gonna be. que-sera-sera. He is a nice enough man, he still wants me in. Alhamdulillah.

sometimes i think that things work out for me perfectly..too perfect that i begin to worry. worry that i will be complacent, that Allah is drifting further away from me. that he can't bother much with me ;(( that thought sends shiver down my spine. i need you Ya Allah. i need your attention. i am craving for You. gimme more. You know me best. You know what works for me and whats not. i know for certain You will not let me suffer more than i could bear. still i can't help but wonder. apart from taking away my ability to taste motherhood once more and my incomprehensible relationship with mak, is there something else i should be missing? i get your cue, work my motherhood skills on my 2 children first before i can proclaim another. take care of a mother's heart before i let a child into my own. only You know best i am working hard on these both. as long as You are by my side, i am not afraid to stand alone.

yet, i know there is something else i should be crying for. but what is it Ya Allah?

i look around me and i see many familiar faces. faces in despair, in sadness, in desperation. and i am envy of them. i listen to their problems, i hear their hearts breaking but those are not my problems to bear, those are not my heart breaking. i envy that You love them more than You love me Ya Allah. forgive me for thinking this way. but above all that, i am certain of Your Love but it's just me a human...i don't feel enough, enough of You. Astaghfirullah hal adzhim.

Friday, March 06, 2009

owang tu dah pesan suroh kredit this article to her. so here it is...thank you cuzzie yati!!

Isteriku,
Jika engkau bumi, akulah matahari.
Aku akan menyinari mu kerana engkau mengharapkan sinaran dari ku.
Ingatlah bahtera yg kita kayuh, begitu penuh riak gelombang.
Aku pasti akan tetap menyinari bumi, hingga kadang2 bumi terasa akan silauan ku.
Lantas aku ingat satu hal bahawa Tuhan mencipta bukan hanya bumi, malah ada planet lain yang juga mengharapkan sinaranku.

Lalu!!!
Relakanlah aku menyinari planet lain, menyampaikan faedah adanya aku,
kerana sudah takdir Illahi sinaranku diperlukan diplanet lain.


*** Balasan Puisi sang isteri***

Suamiku,
andai kau memang mentari,
sang surya yang memberi cahaya,
aku merelakan engkau berikan sinaranmu kepada segala planet yang
telah TUHAN ciptakan kerana mereka juga seperti aku perlukan cahayamu dan
akupun juga tidak akan merasa kekurangan dengan sinaran mu.

AKAN TETAPIIIIIIII!!!
Bila kau hanya sejengkal lilin yang berkekuatan 5 watt sahaja,
jangan lah bermimpi untuk menyinari planet lain!
Kerana bilik tidur kita yang kecil pun belum sanggup kau terangi.
Lihatlah diri mu pada cermin kaca di sudut kamar kita,
di tengah remang2 pancaran cahaya mu yang telah aku mengerti.
Cuba lihat siapa dirimu.
MATAHARI atau lilin?
atau jangan2 cuma mancis saja!!!!!?
please lah....!!!
jangan la nak berangan!!

Thursday, March 05, 2009

got this from a sista in islam, jazakillah khayr, may Allah reward you.

Secret Of The Hidden Time

Since last night my young son has been unwell. When I got back from work this evening I decided to take him to hospital despite my exhaustion.

There were many waiting; perhaps we will be delayed by more than an hour. I took my number and sat down in the waiting room. There were many faces, young and old, but all silent. Some brothers made use of the many booklets available in the waiting room. Some of those waiting had their eyes closed, while others were looking around. Most were bored. Once in a while the long silence was broken by a nurse calling out a number. Happiness appears on the one whose turn it is, and he gets up quickly; then silence returns.

A young man grabbed my attention. He was reading a pocket-sized Qur’an continuously; not raising his head even once. At first I did not think much about him. However, after one hour of waiting my casual glances turned into a deep reflection about his lifestyle and how he utilizes his time. One hour of my life wasted! Instead of making benefit of that hour, it was just a boring wait. Then the call for prayer was made. We went to prayer in the hospital's Masjid. I tried to pray close to the man who was reading the Qur'an earlier in the waiting room.

After the prayer I walked with him. I informed him of how impressed I was of him and how he tries to benefit from his time. He told me that most of our time is wasted without any benefit. These are days that go from our lives without being conscious of them or regretting their waste. He said that he started carrying the pocket-sized Qur’an around when a friend encouraged him to make full use of his time. He told me that in the time other people waste he gets to read much more of the Qur’an than he gets to read either at home or in the masjid. Moreover, besides the reward of reading the Qur’an, this habit saves him from boredom and stress.

He added that he has now been waiting for one and a half hours. Then he asked, “When will you find one and a half hours to read the Qur’an?” I reflected, “How much time do we waste? How many moments of our lives pass by, and yet we do not account for how they passed by? Indeed, how many months pass by and we do not read the Qur’an?” I came to respect my companion, and I discovered that I am to stand for account and that time is not in my hand; so what am I waiting for?

My thoughts were interrupted by the nurse calling out my number; I went to the doctor. But I want to achieve something now. After I left the hospital I quickly went to the bookshop and bought a pocket-sized Qur’an. I decided to be mindful of how I spend the time.

If this information is beneficial to you, then please do forward it to your friends and relatives. Our Prophet (Sallallaahu 'Alayhi Wasalaam) said; "Whoever guides or directs to good, then he gets the same amount of blessing (reward) as the one who does it"

The Prophet (Sallallaahu 'Alayhi Wasalaam) also said "Pass on knowledge from me even if it is only one verse"

Thursday, March 05, 2009

look, just look at His Creation. He is indeed the Magnified.

of certainty,
of hope,
of tomorrow,
of a sight to behold,
MasyaAllah, Subhanallah, wala ila ha illallah, Allah hu Akbar Wednesday, March 04, 2009